Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Keeping the faith

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner to discuss the results of the test I mentioned in my last entry.  Unfortunately, the results were not good.  %25 of the time I try to swallow, there is no peristalsis entirely.  (Meaning that I try to swallow and I can't at all.)  %50 of the time I DO manage to swallow, I can't swallow properly.  This is somewhat discouraging news, as it's markedly worse than my results from three years ago.  While it doesn't mean anything immediately other than new medications, it does put the future in perspective.  What will my life be like in five years?  Will I be able to eat solid food?  Will I even be able to eat at all, or will I have rely on tubes for my nutrition?

I try not to think about these things.  It's counterproductive--new technologies emerge every day. There may be better treatment by the time I badly need one.  Furthermore, it's not particularly relevant to my life right now.  After all, I'm currently able to eat pretty well and I'm at a healthy weight.

At times like these, I find it valuable to remember my faith.  Despite being an atheist, I have faith in many things.  I have faith that medicine and technology will continue to advance.  I have faith in the love and support of my friends and family.  But most of all, I have faith in myself.  I have faith that I will be able to keep going, no matter what.  This is not to say I will overcome my health problems and somehow miraculously improve--on the contrary, I am relatively certain I won't.  Rather, I have faith that I will continue to grow, change, and find things that I love even during times of hardship.  And for now, there are many things in my life that bring me joy.  The future may be uncertain, but the present is bright.