One

I'm uncomfortable writing this.  My first post.  My brand new blog.  My first real blog. 

A long time ago, I took against the word "blog" for some reason, probably because it's a pretty stupid sounding word.  This grudge abated somewhat when I was dating a professional blogger, but some unease still remains.

I've done some unofficial blogging on various social networking sites, but never anything public.  I tend to be a fairly private person, especially where my health is concerned.  Unfortunately, this tendency also corresponds with a repression of my feelings or not talking about my health with my friends, especially at times when it is most important to open up.  I aim to correct that.

I also want this to be a voice of rebellion, a place to spit in the face of my disease.  I want there to be evidence that my life is more interesting and meaningful than endless doctors appointments, struggles against insurance, and tests.  I want to remind myself of the reasons to keep fighting for a proper diagnosis and treatment.  I want to express my appreciation for the small things in life that bring me joy and the love I feel for the people around me.  I want to raise awareness about digestive tract paralysis and metabolic disease.

I spent a disproportionate amount of time tinkering with the appearance of the blog, changing the fonts and layout, uploading images, and then deleting them.  This was not a concession to my perfectionism, merely procrastination of making my first post.  My feelings are that the first post should set the tone.  Should it trend towards the abstract, containing analyzations and essays?  Or should the posts be more personal, a record of my emotions?  Ideally, I'd like it to be somewhere in between.  My intention is not only to document my struggle with a chronic illness, but to also discuss the issues that surround it, including body image, ableism, friendship, sexuality, and societal perceptions of disability.   My hope is that by giving a structured voice to my thoughts, I will be able to better express myself to others and to better understand myself.  My body may be broken, but my spirit is made of much stronger stuff.